lisa sonrisa

broken for You

2010-07-11T00:59:00.004-04:00

calling out Your name

won't You come near to me?

i've been missing those times we've had

so give me that passion again

mend a heart of clay

that You can mold into

into a heart that's pure

broken for You

come and kiss me once again

for Your love is better than wine

in the secret place i cry out for You

for i am weak but You are strong

so let me see Your face o God

because with one glance of Your eye

my heart is broken

broken for You

though i sleep but my heart is awake

it's the voice of the One that I love

He's crying won't you open to me

My love, My perfect one

drink deep

2010-04-20T23:51:00.003-04:00

"then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. on each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. and the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. no longer will there be any curse. the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. they will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. there will be no more night. they will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. and they will reign for ever and ever."

--revelation 22:1-5

in His presence

2010-03-29T19:27:00.002-04:00

i love how sometimes when you're spending time with the Lord, time doesn't seem to go by so fast. because i'm enjoying every hour, minute, second. Jesus, You are so sweet...so sweet to me. Thank You.

now for some words from misty. she speaks from the heart.

I'm in love with a Man I'm in love with a Stranger
I'm in love with my Maker whom I have never seen
I'm in love with the Lamb I'm in love with the Lion
I'm in love with my Savior whom I have yet to know

O won't You let me love You more, this is all that I desire
Won't You let me love You more this is all that I require
Won't You let me love You more this is my deepest heart's desire
Won't You let me love You more still more and more

You could give to me the gift of walking on water
Maybe I will raise the dead
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love

If I never walk on water if I never see the miracles
If I never hear your voice so loud
Just knowing that You love me is enough to keep me here
Just hearing those words is enough is enough to satisfy
You do You do You satisfy I couldn't leave even if I tried
I must have You I must have You

When it's been said and when it's all been done
When the race is run it all comes to love

born again

2010-03-17T12:06:00.001-04:00

Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn't at all who I thought he'd be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I've a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I'm not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn't looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I've never known
That I've never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
In my life

this is my father's world

2010-02-18T18:32:00.001-05:00

This is my Father's world and to my listening ears
All nature sings and round me rings the music of the spheres

This is my Father's world I rest me in the thought
Of rocks and trees of skies and seas His hand the wonders wrought

This is my Father's world O let me ne'er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong God is the ruler yet

This is my Father's world oh the battle is not done
Jesus Who died will be satisfied And earth and Heav'n will be one

Yes Jesus who died will be satisfied
and earth and heaven
Oh earth and heaven
oh earth and heaven
will be one
--jadon lavik "my father's world"

one day...

love ftw

2010-02-09T22:02:00.003-05:00

Lord, only You sustain me.

i was made for love

2010-02-06T13:47:00.002-05:00

the spirit of the sovereign LORD is on me,

because the LORD has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion--

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

they will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of his splendor.

--isaiah 61:1-3

the anointed worship of misty edwards

2010-01-08T00:04:00.003-05:00

i spent 2+ hours at panera bread today downloading music from ihop (it was pretty slow) but mannn, it was so worth it! i've been listening to misty's album and it's so hitting my spirit. she speaks of the longings and desires of the heart. so real.

"come as close as you want" by misty edwards

come as close as You want

consume this heart that longs to burn

i know your fire can hurt but i would be worse here without You

for i was made to dwell with You

and how i ache until i do

Holy God, take my heart

purge with flame and truth

A holy heart is all i want

that i may live with You

i wanna live with You

come and take all these chains

that get in the way of what you want

and as i stand in the flame still i will say i trust You God

for i was made to dwell with You

and how i ache until i do

Holy God, take my heart

purge with flame and truth

a humble heart is all i want

that i may live with You

chains be broken! freedom! come near Jesus! fill us up!

**monique kim's fb profile pic :P photo taken by anna roh

let's survive this together

2010-01-07T15:42:00.002-05:00

let's survive this together

we've survived so much together already

but i wanna live through this with you

this is why i'm alive

it's moments like this i want together with you

let's just take tonight and breathe again (i think that's what she says)

you feel pain tonight

you won't always feel this way

you feel pain tonight

and it's gonna be okay

it's gonna be okay

let's survive this together

we've survived so much together already

but i wanna live through this with you

--laura hackett

on Christ the solid rock i stand!

receive the Holy Spirit...

2009-11-15T00:03:00.004-05:00

intercession thru the spirit... make this my desire. to know and love Christ thru intercession. this really gets my heart pumping. i love praying to the Lord on behalf of others, to receive from the Lord what He wants for them and to communicate that to others. i need more of this! we need more of Jesus!

really, only the love of God can allow me to pray for complete strangers and weep with them.

again jesus said, "peace be with you! as the Father has sent me, i am sending you." and with that he breathed on them and said, "receive the Holy Spirit."

--john 20:21-22

immeasurably more

2009-10-28T09:49:00.003-04:00

so i just finished my week of clinicals. did 20 hrs in total over the past 2 days. i now see how nursing students feel intimidated, stupid, inadequate, etc, etc. my clinical prof can say things in a way that makes you feel really dumb and like you don't know anything. but man there certainly was a reason for how God molded me the way He did over these past few months. the love of Christ compels me to love her for who she is and i know that she doesn't mean to make us feel stupid but she doesn't mean to come across like that. and that she isn't judging us for our character, but it's all for learning's sake and she's correcting us in our role as future nurses. she was telling us last night to not bring ourselves down so much if we mess up on something, but to learn from it. what wise and humbling words!

my patient last night was so dear to my heart. she reminded me of my grandma in korea. they're both very chatty and short and have small round faces with chubby cheeks. my patient would talk on and on and on but i didn't get annoyed. sometimes i wasn't even following what she was saying because i would kinda zone out for a little bit. but i dunno, just being in her presence gave me comfort and i know the feeling was mutual too. she wished that she could bring me home to take care of her! and for some reason i felt that i wouldn't mind that either. :)

i woke up this morning with a hunger that wasn't physical. so i went to the word and found the verse that shook me to my core during harvest retreat:

now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work with us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! amen. --ephesians 3:20-21

immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. sigh. come, Lord Jesus, come.

i have a day off today, thank You Lord! i plan on going running, cooking for some dear brothers, studying for my peds test next week, just living and knowing in God's love. :)

big baby wahh

2009-10-10T21:59:00.003-04:00

so i was playing on anne's beautiful big baby taylor guitar with a beautiful sound and i feel like just the design and quality of the guitar made me play better. ahhhh i so want one. i just love love love worshiping with guitar. sigh but we'll see...they're quite expensive.

so check out this william fitzsimmons guy, his music is awesome! so pleasant to my ears.

artsy fartsy

2009-10-07T21:32:00.005-04:00

lol i just thought these guys looked pretty fly. i dunno when this photo was taken but seems like it's from the 70's or 80's? this just goes to show old school fashion really does come back!

so i was thinking today...

i think i really do appreciate the arts. (i googled "the arts" and came upon the photo above)

and coming to that conclusion gave me a lot of comfort for some reason.

maybe everyone's like this to a certain extent but whenever i see something with a creative artsy flair like in music, photography, movies, paintings... i get slightly excited about it and just appreciate it even more. oh the creativity, imagination, emotion!

i think i sound pretty vague. some examples...

in hillsong's "tear down the walls," there's a part in the song when it's no voices, just instruments and you can hear strings plucking in the background. it's so beautiful and soothing. when i hear it i get this huge sense of majesty.
i saw this video which i got off of a friend's tumblr and i got the impression that the video maker tried to depict our everyday normal lives and how Jesus is still a huge part of it. that's huge in itself!
love looking at photos and just seeing light peek through trees, vibrant colors popping out in unexpected places, facial expressions that perfectly capture emotion, black and white contrast, different perspectives & angles, colors that just work well together... ahh it's all just great eye candy :)
i think cooking can be an art too right? it really gets my creative juices flowing. i love taking random ingredients and forming it into a beautiful orchestration of a dish. i love those cooking shows like top chef. the mind is so unique!

this must be why i'm so much more into the art rather than the science of nursing. i love how nurses all can bring their own flavor into their care. there isn't one way to do it. they make it their own.

i think i have a passion for trivia. those games like taboo, cranium, charades, catchphrase, scattergories really get my blood running and i get overly excited. i think i just like testing my brain to see how much stuff i know. esp random pop culture stuff! i love it! ok that was a totally random thought but just wanted to throw that in there!

psalm 138

2009-10-06T12:34:00.003-04:00

1 i will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;

before the "gods" i will sing your praise.

2 i will bow down toward your holy temple

and will praise your name

for your love and your faithfulness,

for you have exalted above all things

your name and your word.

3 when i called, you answered me;

you made me bold and stouthearted.

4 may all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD,

when they hear the words of your mouth.

5 may they sing of the ways of the LORD,

for the glory of the LORD is great.

6 though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly,

but the proud he knows from afar.

7 though i walk in the midst of trouble,

you preserve my life;

you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,

with your right hand you save me.

8 the LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O LORD, endures forever--

do not abandon the works of your hands.

---

i wanna live for eternity purposes. we're living for this mighty God...isn't praise and worship to Him due? even the mere realization of how great a God He is doesn't really seem enough. there's so much more. living in the spiritual realm is so much more beyond what we could have ever thought of on our own.

yes, we certainly should enjoy life. so many people (including me) think that living for God equals a dull life of just praying and fasting. okay, i admit just thinking of doing that makes me wanna have some spice thrown in there too. but the question lies in are we enjoying our lives over enjoying God? what are those idols? i might say, hey, i can enjoy God by enjoying life! but it says in the Word:

be happy, young man, while you are young,

and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth.

follow the ways of your heart

and whatever your eyes see,

but know that for all these things

God will bring you to judgment.

--ecclesiastes 11:9

so there it is. we better be expecting judgment for all we do because it's coming. it makes sense when pastor david was saying at the prayer meeting on saturday how he evaluated his actions over something so small like flushing the toilet.

and on another note. i've been realizing more about how depriving apathy is. it really does eat away at a soul. think about it--doesn't it say so much more to be passionate about something than to utterly not care about anything at all? some pastor was saying how he'd rather see people of our generation be passionate even if it was for something totally ungodly because that's how much apathy is so present. and that's what the Lord says too:

i know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot.

i wish you were either one or the other!

so, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--

i am about to spit you out of my mouth.

--revelation 3:15-16

so last night i went to a screening for invisible children (btw, if you feel really inclined to, i'd suggest signing the petition for ending the war in n. uganda) and it really did break my heart. having young children being stripped of their innocence and forced to become murderers...there's definitely something wrong here. there's just a huge imbalance of the order of life. it made me realize that just about everything involving evil rising up in a huge way...it's a spiritual issue. the leader of this uprising, joseph kony, does spiritual practices and rituals where he is clearly feeding upon the power of satan whether he realizes it or not. he claims to follow after the Christian bible, but how does that make it okay for him to massacre thousands of the innocent? the burden upon my heart for him was so heavy. the burden of satan entangling and choking him into deception. this man needs deliverance more than us trying to have peace talks with him.

anyway...i kinda went off on a tangent. but what i'm really trying to say is that it's one thing to be passionate about something just for the sake of being passionate. like, i could just join and be partners with invisible children because it feels good to be a part of a social movement, right? plus it also makes me look like a good person because it shows that i'm passionate. but is this really my own passion? of course God gave us a passion to love him, but i think that passion could be lived out through other sub-passions, let's say. like a passion for medicine, business, technology, cooking, writing, etc etc. these passions are all God planted and intended to be used for His glory. you know when a certain passion is coming from your heart, that's when you know that this passion is yours.

so, what's your passion?

john mayer's pretty deep

2009-10-03T23:54:00.002-04:00

Fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

how you were raised and treated by your parents can really say so much about who you are now. i truly testify to that! just a thought i had while listening to this song a few days ago. well i've always thought that but i realized that john mayer agrees with me on this too. God can really use anyone huh?

just finished my patient data sheet for peds meaning i am finally DONE with all the work for this clinical! now on to adult health which will be an interesting learning experience.

the prayer meeting earlier today with pastor matt was of course awesome because the Lord's always awesome. i could tell so many people were being ministered by the Spirit. it was hugely placed on my heart to rebirth a house of prayer at jmu. i love all this connection and bridging that's been happening lately. Lord, bring it on. and satan, you bring it on too :)

run run finish the race!

slow fade of summer

2009-09-30T10:33:00.003-04:00

i just discovered fernando ortega's music via kathleen ara choi. i've been enjoying it :) it's been calming my soul with peace this morning. i was listening to his song "california town" and the lyrics caught my ear. maybe because it's kinda romantic but it also just gave me a laid back, relaxed, Jesus is good kinda feel :)

listen to fernando ortega on imeem!

Good evening
Lovely evening
A perfect evening
For a stroll on the town
Couples on the boardwalk
And down on the sandbar
Holding hands, staring out
To the moon on the ocean
Silver and soft
Water in motion

Car lights
Pacific Highway
We look both ways
My baby and me
We find a fancy restaurant
A table outside
In a quiet corner, please
Wind in the palm trees
Candles and wine
Her clear blue eyes
We stay till closing

Come on, my love
We can walk home
Past the dancers
And the bands winding down
Remind me again
What's the question?
We belong here
In this California town

Slow fade of summer
Stars in the sky
Songs in the night
The boom of the breakers

The pull of the tide
The swell and the sigh
Salt in the sea spray

sabbath

2009-09-27T22:39:00.006-04:00

so i just remembered that i have friends who blog!

i just added a buncha people on my subscription list so watch out i'll be reading your entries muwahahahah

today's message at cov pres was about the 4th commandment, keeping the sabbath. today was a great day of rest. sabbath=resting in completeness and fullness. not resting because you're tired, but because the work is finished, done, complete. just like our Savior on the cross.

a family from cov pres invited sunah, sarah, and i to their home for lunch. their home was amazing. they live on a cozy humble farm with 4 goats named kelly, mary, bear, and whoops i forgot the last one :( they live in a house that was built in the 1920's that was intended for two families to live in one house so there's two front doors and two living spaces but one kitchen. but this darling family of six uses up every room of the house well :) they grow their own cucumbers, tomatoes, green beans and other veggies. they have a huge apple tree. they also have a huge chestnut tree and they feed the leaves off of that to the goats which they love eating. i also learned that chestnuts come encapsuled in a prickly outer covering! this prickly outer covering (prickly like porcupines) is also deliciously eaten by the goats.

their children are named (from oldest to youngest): christian, hannah, lydia, and rebecca. christian is chivalrous, brave, and well-mannered (he called his dad "father" which isn't something you hear normally from kids but it was just so endearing to me). hannah is mature and responsible. lydia is adventurous, playful, a dreamer. rebecca can't really talk so much yet as she is 21 months old (?) but she is a darling cutie pie with shining golden ringlets. she had a deep head injury awhile back and had to get it sutured up but the scar is healing very well, the nurse in me says.

the mother, sharbelle (sp?) exhibits a gentle, easy-going, diligent, faithful spirit. faithful to her husband, children, and to God. the father john is sociable, hospitable, welcoming, a leader. he's dedicated to the work of the Lord and longs to see hearts turn to Him. he's all about "using your vocation for His mission." he's also the second cousin of katie couric.

this family has God shining in and out of them and i have to say that they are absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful. getting to know them and being welcomed into their home really touched my heart. through them my heart smiled and i had joy. it gave me hope for the future. no family is perfect, but if they're dedicated to the Lord and put Him above everything else, fruit can burst through. this family is God's. nothing can take that away.

i wish i could have brought my camera with me because there were so many great moments to catch on camera and the scenery around their house was so peaceful, calming, and beautiful. but i got a shot of the goats on my phone :)

this is mary & kelly :) i never knew goats could have personalities as their's!

this is a green bean and spearmint leaves grown on their farm :)

on a side note, i just looked at the score of a test i took last friday and i did bad. but i refuse to have this get me down because God is too good to me :)

the sacred romance

2009-09-27T00:41:00.003-04:00

so earlier tonight i was sitting on my bed with my laptop, clicking around just being bored. the idea of being bored is starting to disgust me and i think it disgusts God too. how dare we be bored when we're living for Him? to me, it implies that life with God is boring but nooo, life without God is boring and also lifeless! anyhoo, i decided to look at my big ole book stack and see if there was a book that i could read. i initially picked out passion and purity by elizabeth eliot but before i took it out of the stack, the sacred romance by brent curtis and john eldredge (author of wild at heart and co-author of captivating). i had been reading this book last year but i think school started to pick up so i stopped reading it sometime along the way. from looking at the last page that i marked, i had gotten pretty far with this book but i really can't recall anything that this book was talking about.

it's a great book though and i think it may help me address some things that are quite pertinent in my life at the moment. it's all about getting to the heart of things and what that means...what God's heart means.

i was just telling my friend sally about how i think i tend to include a lot of unnecessary details when telling stories... the real point of my blog entry was to share a part of the sacred romance book but instead i had to also include the background story behind it -_- pastor mark driscoll is featured on a nightline special about the ten commandments and he talks about how we can idolize ourselves. this is apparent through all of the social networking websites and how we just wanna let the whole world know that we drank a decaf coffee this morning (pastor mark's example). he really does bring a good point and it made me evaluate myself because i can definitely share those kind of comments too. i think sometimes i spill those unnecessary details because i wanna talk about myself and just add more self-elevation, feed my pride. i'm not trying to be hard on myself, but just trying to keep it real.

i'm gonna watch myself now when i wanna change my facebook or aim/gchat status... i don't wanna throw out words of pride, shame, greed, complaining, resentment, bitterness, negativity... but instead i wanna throw words of love, encouragement, hope, faith, heart-issued matters... more of these kinda words need to fill our fb news feeds and buddy lists!

aaaanyway... so back to the sacred romance book haha. i really liked this one paragraph:

"Indeed, if we all listen, a Sacred Romance calls to us through our heart every moment of our lives. It whispers to us on the wind, invites us through the laughter of good friends, reaches out to us through the touch of someone we love. We've heard it in our favorite music, sensed it at the birth of our first child, been drawn to it while watching the shimmer of a sunset on the ocean. The Romance is even present in times of great personal suffering: the illness of a child, the loss of a marriage, the death of a friend. Something calls to us through experiences like these and rouses an inconsolable longing deep within our heart, wakening in us a yearning for intimacy, beauty, and adventure."

agape christian fellowship <3

rainy saturday

2009-09-26T19:38:00.003-04:00

saturday rain

'the office' marathon

room makeover

homemade fried rice

running out in cool rain

pho

colbie caillat

lightroom

song of songs

camera obscura

scalloped potatoes with cheese and broccoli

pizza + a movie

no patient data sheet/med sheet due tomorrow!

i want Your eyes to be my mirror...

2009-09-16T23:20:00.002-04:00

praise God for giving me such great people in my life to encourage me and speak words of life and truth to me that hits straight to my soul. whether i know it or not, it ends up being just what i needed.

sonia told me on gchat today, "thanks for being you. you are needed."

it's so hard for me to believe that i'm making an impact on someone's life unless i see the evidence for my own eyes or i hear people say it. which isn't very often. God can use people in the ways where you least expect it. He uses me in ways that i least expect to be used. and when i'm used for His glory by just being ME...it brings me to a peace of mind that tells me that being myself in God's eyes is enough. i'm living in His Spirit, and other people can see the love, compassion, peace, and gentleness that comes along with living in the Spirit.

let my pain be my gift to others...and to myself. use your life to encourage others, spur each other on, lift up one another, relate to one another. we humans need each other. with or without God, we do.

man, this was a huge day for reflection. day offs from clinicals are nice :)

Love is still the answer.

2009-09-16T20:56:00.002-04:00

i saw this verse on a friend's facebook status... don't know if she's a believer or not but i thought it was really cool that she put it up:

"Owe no one anything, except to love each other." -Romans 13:8

i dunno what version that's from but it's way diff from the NIV and totally didn't realize till now that it's part of the verse that i put up last night.

with no bitterness, no judgment, no record of wrongs, no grudges, no fakeness. i wanna love sincerely, love out of my comfort zone, love so that i can also be healed.

radical, crazy love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmzuPLBot5Q

i wanna set my eyes on what matters. what lasts. what's beautiful.

He matters. He lasts. He's beautiful.

this is kind of a tangent...but i was telling a friend whom i'm just starting to get to know about my life. she was saying how she was so amazed at my story because it shows how God trusted me to give me those struggles in my life (hopefully i'm saying this right) and my mentality of self-pity, regret, complaint, anger just started to melt away. i realized i had that mentality bc of my own selfishness. my life is not my own. God has set me on a journey and my map is the Spirit. i shouldn't care about the opinions of others, the circumstances in my life, what i desire out of my life... i'm living for Him, whether i like it or not, God is always gonna reel me back to Him.

i was just comparing myself to about 5 months ago and man...God really does make life exciting to keep on changing me like this.

LOVE is the answer.

2009-09-15T23:28:00.004-04:00

an excerpt from my journal bc i don't feel like making up new words :P

"Romans is an amazing book of the Bible. I was really amazed by this verse:

'Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, 'Do not commit adultery,' 'Do not murder,' 'Do not steal,' 'Do not covet,' and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this rule: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.'

-Romans 13:8-10

That just blew my mind and it just totally clicked--LOVE is the answer to everything. How do we live? With love. The fulfillment of the law is love. Living by the Law means to LOVE. Ugh, so simple! So true!"

yeah, i'm not too eloquent with my words when i write in my journal haha. i've just been astounded by love tonight.

"The Lord says, you can only love me as much as you love yourself." --Graham Cooke

the call

2009-09-15T13:52:00.002-04:00

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it, too
Doesn't means that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

--regina spektor, "the call"

And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

Robert Frost

need some time to breathe.

2009-09-06T22:08:00.004-04:00

so nursing school has picked up for me this semester with a fresh new round of clinicals! i'm doing my pediatric clinicals for the first 5 weeks and then moving on to adult health for the rest. it's been a week since i've been doing the peds clinicals at uva and i've been learning lots already!

i'm realizing that i'm not perfect. sooooo far from perfect. especially as a nurse (well i'm not one yet) but if i were to become one tomorrow i know that it could potentially be like a train crash. so the attitude that i'm having for this semester is to be teachable. i'm here in school to LEARN. gosh, sometimes i really lack motivation to want to learn. yet i wanna get that A. but i only wanna earn that A through an easy path, not one where it involves learning. geez, i'm just like those nursing classmates of mine who are also greedy for A's. sigh. but wow, my attitude is already changing. i'm a totally different person compared to last year. i view academics and God so differently.

week 2 of clinicals... Lord, send some compassion, attentiveness, eagerness, and diligence my way please!

crabtree falls 09.06.09

h o p e

2009-08-23T14:49:00.002-04:00

so after going to urban promise wilmington this past spring break, i told casually one of my nursing major friends jazmine about the program and how it reaches out to youth living in urban neighborhoods. to my surprise, she turned out to be very interested in the program and she served as an intern in camden this summer :) i just finished reading her journal that she emailed to me and wow i was so blessed. these kids are still able to live life joyfully with what they have. it's not about our own wants and desires. that's how God works.

it reminded me of this verse that was printed on the back of some shirts at up wilmington:

"but let justice roll on like a river,

righteousness like a never-failing stream!"

--amos 5:24

i was also looking at jazmine's photo slide show that she uploaded online and one of the pictures was of this beautiful mural that read "i want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees." and i was like whoaaaa... that's like what God says to us! we're like the cherry trees and spring is like His Spirit. He wants to make us blossom and look beautiful and full of life, joy, and peace! it's just so romantical :) that quote is actually a line from a poem by pablo neruda. it's really beautiful!

ok so the real reason why i started this entry was because i wanted to share a poem that my friend jazmine wrote and she included this at the end of her journal.

Young Child
Dear Young child,
I commend you for still knowing fun
Your childhood is not ideal
Your neighborhood is not safe
It’s filled with drugs, violence and women selling themselves
Yet you still find peace in riding your bikes
You get joy from the parks and basketball
You have the same smiles as others your age
Although to the naked eye there is not much to smile about
Young child,
I pray for you
I pray for you because despite what the statistics say you can and will make it
I pray that even when you are left motherless and fatherless you know that God’s love is like an eternal embrace
I pray that you can lead your friends and destroy generational curses
I pray for you so that the enemies that walk the streets among you and in the spirit realm will not have the victory over your lives
Young Child,
You are me
You are the past, the present and the future
You represent all walks of life
Young Child
Be bold …be true
Follow your heart and not your peers
Listen to God as He speaks to you
Find your gifts young child
Be the exceptional child in the hood
Don’t let childhood pass you by
Still smile young child
Still love young child
Still pray young child
And still hope….young child
~Jazmine H.

creativity

2009-08-14T00:44:00.004-04:00

just found this girl's blog through sarah and i feel like she's the urban outfitters store in human form hahaha.

all of her photos are so aesthetically pleasing to me and romance and creativity and fun is just weaved through her words.

heh just wanted to share :)

wisdom speaks in the bathroom

2009-08-11T23:37:00.008-04:00

so i just came back from dear aecha ahjuma's house where i talked with jenna and sonia for over 3 hours and it was just a wonderful and honest iron sharpening iron experience. wow. such great fellowship.

anyway i went to go use their bathroom and while i was pooping, i was reading this bible that was wide open on top of a bunch of magazines. it was open at proverbs 8. the verses 12-36 really struck me though. i didn't even read all of it but the title of that section, "wisdom speaks" really caught my attention. the whole passage is in first person so it's like wisdom itself is talking. but man, it made me long for wisdom and for it to be strong and loud in my life.

Wisdom Speaks

¹²I am Wisdom --Common Sense is my closest friend;

I possess knowledge

and sound judgment.

¹³If you respect the LORD,

you will hate evil.

I hate pride and conceit

and deceitful lies.

¹⁴I am strong,

and I offer

sensible advice

and sound judgment.

¹⁵By my power kings govern,

and rulers make laws

that are fair.

¹⁶Every honest leader rules

with help from me.

¹⁷I love everyone who loves me,

and I will be found by all

who honestly search.

¹⁸I can make you rich and famous,

important and successful.

¹⁹What you receive from me

is more valuable

than even the finest gold

or the purest silver.

²⁰I always do what is right,

²¹and I give great riches

to everyone who loves me.

²²From the beginning,

I was with the LORD. I was there before he began

²³to create the earth.

At the very first,

the LORD gave life to me.

²⁴When I was born,

there were no oceans

or springs of water.

²⁵My birth was before

mountains were formed

or hills were put in place.

²⁶It happened long before God

had made the earth

or any of its fields

or even the dust.

²⁷I was there when the LORD

put the heavens in place

and stretched the sky

over the surface of the sea.

²⁸I was with him when he placed

the clouds in the sky

and created the springs

that fill the ocean.

²⁹I was there when he set

boundaries for the sea

to make it obey him,

and when he laid foundations

to support the earth.

³⁰I was right beside the LORD,

helping him plan and build. I made him happy each day,

and I was happy at his side.

³¹I was pleased with his world

and pleased with its people.

³²Pay attention, my children!

Follow my advice,

and you will be happy.

³³Listen carefully

to my instructions,

and you will be wise.

³⁴Come to my home each day

and listen to me.

You will find happiness.

³⁵By finding me, you find life,

and the LORD will be pleased

with you.

³⁶But if you don't find me,

you hurt only yourself,

and if you hate me,

you are in love with death.

omg, i just read the whole passage. so basically...wisdom is what made God create the heavens and earth and us. it was there the whole time. WE can have this wisdom through our Father! oh my stars...knock my socks off...

i was listening to a sermon by mark driscoll on biblical womanhood and at the end, he had his wife grace answer some questions that the congregation had. as she spoke, i was astounded by how she composed herself. i was listening to this through a podcast so it's not like i could see her but i could still tell from her voice and tone that she just had this godly confidence. and wisdom and godly knowledge was just exuuuding from her. i thought wow, there really are women out there like this. the hand of God is really upon her. there really are women who speak with boldness and confidence and conviction and truth. all women need that. God can really transform us in this way, to hold onto who we originally were supposed to be before all the corruption of sin.

Lord, send me, mold me, shape me, break me.

bore-dumb

2009-08-03T20:55:00.003-04:00

today i was...bored. wow. what an uneventful day.

i feel like i'm waiting for my life to just get started... but maybe it has started but i just don't realize it yet. i feel like i'm doing nothing but maybe it's because i choose to do nothing. hmmmmm i think i'm trying to be all deep and philosophical but it ain't workin.

well, my life belongs to Someone. and He's writing it all out...moment by moment. (i didn't mean to but this entry ended on a cheesy note buuuut it's true)

oh so crooosh...

2009-08-02T17:07:00.000-04:00

August 02, 2009

Why do you call me, Lord, Lord, and do not do what I say?

Luke 6:46

*courtesy of facebook

12 hr shift at mrs. t's house...

2009-08-01T19:29:00.003-04:00

this was one of the four movies i saw with my new client today and man it just struck a chord in my heart. not only was it entertaining but it also just blessed me and maybe helped with some emotional healing hahaha. :)

i feel delirious...i dunno how i'm gonna do real 12 hr shifts as an RN x_x

simple acts of love

2009-07-26T23:58:00.000-04:00

some things that made my heart smile today:

1. i was sitting alone at church today but a couple of minutes into the service, i see a familiar face at the corner of my eye and it's nary kim sitting next to me :)

2. i got to formally meet aecha ahjuma's husband (didn't really get to at the wedding) and he greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. i'm not so used to physical affection like that but when it's given to me it sooo soothes my soul.

3. as i said goodbye to my elderly client today she held my hand and kissed it, as always.

4. daniel moon ims me and says, " I <3 you =] "

God will do anything to show you that you're loved, huh?

persecuted but not abandoned

2009-07-26T01:00:00.000-04:00

N. Korea publicly executes Christian

there are people who will do anything for the cause of Christ, even risking their life. all this lady did was distribute bibles, such a simple task. can i really digest the fact that a simple act of spreading God's kingdom like that can cost me my life? and here i sit mindlessly going on facebook and blogging about how a $5 shampoo makes my hair feel nice.

not trying to guilt trip myself...but it just kinda puts everything into perspective.

sometimes i tell myself that once God sends me somewhere like overseas, it's then that i will really put my faith into action.

but i'm here now. God has put me here. what am i doing with what i've been given? i feel like i've been given this assignment or mission but not really doing much to fulfill it.

are we really living like we don't know all of what God knows?

'poo recommendation

2009-07-24T16:24:00.000-04:00

i don't usually get really hyped up about beauty/hygiene products but it's been a few months since i've started using this new shampoo and i'm finding myself being quite satisfied with it:

root awakening by john freida. makes my hair feel healthy aaaand smell good which is always a plus because hair can smell nasty (esp mine). thanks to eunice shim for the recommendation!

i'm off to nova in t minus 30 minutes... i've got my indie mix cd and my taylor swift cd and i showered. with the important stuff outta the way, now i'm gonna pack some clothes for tomorrow and empty my bladder. hahaha! blast offfff!

affirmative.

2009-07-23T15:50:00.000-04:00

lisamkim: its a great day lisa
= )

me: it certainly is :)

man that picture is supposed to look horizontal but whatevs -_-

...no matter what, it's a great day.

sweet like honey

2009-07-19T22:46:00.000-04:00

"but we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. we always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of jesus may also be revealed in our body. for we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. so then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."

--2 corinthians 4:7-12

my friend sonia shared this with me when we were eating a late dinner last night at outback. such an unlikely place for scripture to be shared but hey, God can work through anything, yes? i've always heard of this, especially through the trading my sorrows song, but it's really hitting me to my core. though by ourselves we're completely weak, we're not powerless with Christ. it's okay to be hard pressed on every side, confused/perplexed, persecuted, and struck down. we've got Jesus on our side and He will not let us be crushed, in despair, abandoned, and destroyed. man, that has got to be soothing to your soul. sweet like honey.

fellowship with the holy spirit, the word, and other believers is so sweeeeet. i need more. we all need more. give us moooore, Lord Jesus!

let's do this. let's tackle life with it's ups and downs because we have the authority. the world can crumble around us but Jesus will always be standing true and strong. hiiii-YAH, satan, take that!

give me Jesus

2009-07-16T22:09:00.000-04:00

give me Jesus,

give me Jesus.

you can have all this world,

just give me Jesus.

may that be my first and foremost desire...

i just ate at an indian restaurant in hburg called taste of india and WOWZA! i haven't enjoyed food like that in awhile. i don't know what everything was called but it all just tasted so good.

been listening to watermark today... one of my fave christian artists. i looooove christy nockels' voice. not only is her voice spectacular, she just ushers in a heart of worshiping with the Holy Spirit. sucha powerful and convicting voice.

i love laughter. i love being so highly amused by something that it makes me laugh out loud uncontrollably. i think it helps to make me sane haha. it helps me to believe for a moment that i don't have a care in the world... all my cares and anxieties are put on Jesus.

i feel an urge to journal... :)

harrisonburg sunset

2009-07-15T18:07:00.000-04:00

photo courtesy of ellen pak's twitter (she doesn't know yet that i took this but i'll tell her later)

love love love the sunsets here. a plus about living in harrisonburg. :)

my last entry was so long oy. i don't even wanna read it and i wrote it.

some things on my mind:

-calloused fingers from playing gee-tah...but worth it! earlier i was playing/singing "draw me close" and "captivate us" ahhhh :)

-i've been listening to corey crowder non-stop since last night... tryin to figure out what it is that i like about his music. overall, he has a folkish-country sound. i usually don't like country but i like his style of it. it's like laid back, romantic, indie, easy-listening country. his voice isn't too rough or husky but still has undertones of that. and i like the folk sound. and the acoustic guitar sound. ohh his voice kinda reminds me of justin mcroberts.

-mrs. esther lee guard visited me today for lunch on her way down to tech :) so great seeing her. she's my beloved friend of like 13 years. lived in the same neighborhood for that long too! she just came back from a medical mission trip in peru and gave me a woven bracelet thing that has llamas on it. llamas are greatly cherished in peru apparently. oh she also gave me a scarf with llamas on it. but whenever i look at this woven llama, all i can think of are alpacas haha, i think they look cuter :)

-so eric sato is in town with his friends and i'm trying to meet up with him after he eats dinner before i go have dinner with sonia so instead of going out to run at purcell i showered instead so i could get ready on time... and they're still eating dinner and i'm just waiting. gah, i coulda gone running. i just sacrificed my physical well being for this kid.

-i need to register for one more tues-thurs class to keep my fin aid money. Lord, i know You will make a way!

-i need to take a CPR class before this fall semester starts. it's getting harder to find a class in harrisonburg that i could take in the next month. i couuuld get recertified through an online class but i kinda wanna do the real thing :P but i guess that could be my last resort. i kinda have a feeling that i will end up doing that.

-i watched bruno last night. so so so so wrong on many many levels but i guess some parts were funny. i think i tried to make a mental block of all the things that my precious eyes and ears saw and heard :(

mmk, till next time!

soul massage

2009-07-14T23:51:00.000-04:00

so i'm not one who is musically inclined, but i've been having a heart of worship lately through voice and guitar. i kinda started picking up guitar again this summer and i can see an improvement in me, but i definitely have a long way to go. i always enjoyed singing like during worship times at large groups and church but i wouldn't really say i have a gift. actually, when i first started to live out a relationship with Christ in college and i sang more worship songs, it was a bit challenging at first for my voice to adjust to the songs for some reason. i guess for me singing secular and christian songs were different somehow. but over time i got better at singing worship songs and eventually didn't get so bashful at singing them when i knew other people could hear me. expressing praise and worship to God through music is so beautiful and powerful. those sweet melodies just tug at one's heart in a very special and unique way.

i'll provide an example: i work at a home health agency as a home health aide and i visit elderly clients and provide them help and care for different things such as food prep, bathing, toileting, dressing, taking meds, etc. there's a list of things that we need to check off for each individual client. i visit this one lady almost every week and she has alzheimer's. she can get incoherent in her speech and the way she processes other people's speech is just way off. like i would say "would you like some lunch?" and she would say something like "would i like some...smurf?" so i was visiting her one day and i was like man, i gotta provide her with something more than all of these things on her care plan list. everything had been checked off and done and i didn't feel like just sitting there watching her tv while she's sitting in her chair dozing off. across the room i noticed their keyboard. i've always seen it but never thought about playing. but that day i decided to play it. i only have two years of piano experience and i only know right hand so i was just playing simple melodies. there was an old church hymnal from the '40's on the stand so i was playing some hymns from that. then this lady says one of the very few things that actually made sense that day. but this was the most profound of them all: "oh, that sure does sound pretty." when i ask this lady a simple question, she doesn't understand me but when i played some simple melodies on the piano, something must have just clicked in her heart. i sat there amazed in awe and wonder at the work music has just done to this lady.

anyway, i've been playing more of the guitar this week and i've really been enjoying it. ellen and i were jamming around at my place on sunday with some songs that were laying around in my living room. i noticed the song "refiner's fire" and realized that it's doable for me. the only chord that i'm unfamiliar with in that song is asus but i just play a for that. ellen and sunah went home and sarah left for nova and i was left alone in my apartment. i started to play this song more and noticed that there was a difference in my voice. it sounded more pleasant to my ears, more controlled, and surprisingly had a little bit of vibrato. not only did it sound nice, but it was genuine worship. my heart's one desire was to be refined as gold and precious silver. my heart was crying out because i need Jesus more and more each day. and what's even more crazy is when i talked to pastor matt that night, he referred to this song when he was encouraging me.

there's no such thing as coincidence.

i titled this entry 'soul massage' because this experience with music reminded me of the book "blue like jazz" by donald miller. one of the things that really stuck with me is when he talks about how he was alone and isolated from other people for a period of time (ch 14). he calls up a good friend to talk with because he got scared at how he was going a bit wacko from being alone all the time. as she was telling him stories about her life and such, it was like she was massaging his soul. hearing another person's voice was so soothing. i felt like music was massaging my soul which had been so tense before and it massaged the soul of my dear client with alzheimer's.

anyway, i should learn how to write in a more simple and straight to the point way because this entry got way too long.

new every morning

2009-07-13T23:47:00.000-04:00

i drove into the parking lot in front of b&n to have a post-dinner coffee date with my friend heesung and i saw this glorious spectacle as i pulled into a parking space that was the closest to the store which must have been specially saved for me. as i was drooling over the beauty (beautifulness is not a word, so i changed the word accordingly) of it all, i heard a sweet whisper: "My mercies are new every morning." i smiled as peace washed over my heart and took a snapshot of it on my phone.

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

--Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

i dunno why but i've been in a blogging mood lately. lots have been going through my mind and God has been showing His love to me in a way that is fresh and new. it's been awhile since i've experienced this...maybe my heart has grown cold in a way lately. it leaves me thinking, "wow, why didn't i choose God first in the first place??" our hearts really are deceitful (Jer. 17:9). so i guess as a way to outlet this love and revelation that i've been receiving is through this blog. i could journal it (i just bought a new moleskine journal + weekly planner from barnes :D) but one difference between this blog and my private journal is that a blog is public. i'm not exactly sure who reads my blog but whoever does, i want them to know, believe, and take ownership in the love our Father has for all of us. even through my entries that are kinda pointless (like my very first one), may love flow through them! not because i'm some super holy mega christian. but because of the simple fact that God loves this ragamuffin (ref: The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning) and chooses to radiate His supernatural, beautiful, perfect, exquisite love though me. i'm nothing without Him. it's not about me. who is the source of all that is good and loving that comes forth from my lips?

so i just spent the past 20 minutes typing some more stuff to this entry, but i decided to save the rest for a later time because it's on a different topic. this blogging thing might just be a phase that'll die later and then restart again, but we'll see.

i have work tomorrow at 8:30am and i'm getting tired... i sure do hope that the white mocha i had at the b&n starbucks that i told them to make again because i forgot that i needed decaf actually was decaf and that they didn't forget to fix it (that's happened to me before) but i guess i'll find that out tonight :) ohh being so sensitive to caffeine has its ups and downs.

hope for yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

2009-07-10T18:19:00.000-04:00

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:1-8

My calling :)

2009-05-21T15:26:00.000-04:00

"The Power of Your Name" by Lincoln Brewster

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCEXSV-y-so

Surely children weren't made for the streets
And Fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be
Let Your kingdom come

Surely nations were not made for war
Or the broken and due to be ignored
Surely this couldn't be what You saw
Let Your kingdom come
Here in my heart

And I will live to carry your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be your hands and feet
And I will give with the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion to see the world be changed
By the power of Your Name
The power of Your Name

Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart

Jesus Your Name
Is a shelter for the hurting
Your Name
Is a refuge the weak
Only Your Name
Can take the undeserving
Jesus Your Name
Holds everything I need

When I get discouraged...

2009-05-19T00:13:00.000-04:00

So I was randomly looking through my documents and remembered that I wrote this last semester when school was majorly putting me down in the dumps and God was putting me through such a huge test of faith. It's crazy how I was still able to write such strong words even though it was so easy for me to feel defeated. The Holy Spirit is quite awesome.

When I get discouraged, defeated, depressed, empty, worthless, unworthy… Things to think about:

1. With the resurrection and crucifixion of our Savior Jesus Christ, ALL of our battles have been won. We have nothing to mope about because we belong to Jesus. We have nothing to do but REJOICE!

2. God knows my heart, desires, dreams, life inside and out. He is the AUTHOR and PERFECTER of my life.

3. He makes the impossible POSSIBLE. Nothing is impossible for Him.

4. “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”—1 Peter 5:7

Nail up all those anxieties and worries up on the cross. Worries about test grades, demo grades, future living situations, future job, future relationships. Because God LOVES me, He wants me to cast all of these burdens to HIM because He WILL take care of it.

5. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” –2 Corinthians 12:9a

If I were strong all the time and self-sufficient, where is room for God in that? The reality is if I strive to be self-sufficient, I’m only heading towards self-destruction. I NEED Him in my life. I cannot do this on my own.

6. “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” –Romans 8:18

I will persevere through my struggles and pains if it means that it will equip me for a greater purpose, a future glory. These struggles that I go through, the circumstances that happen…are nothing compared to how God’s glory will be revealed because of the suffering and pain that I went through… even if it means bringing just ONE soul to Christ, it was SO worth it. Little is MUCH in God’s Kingdom

7. “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” –Romans 5:3-5

Look at the fruit that comes out of our sufferings. So let us REJOICE!

I don't know exactly who reads my blog but I pray that through publishing this on the world wide web a heart will be blessed :)

His story

2009-05-17T23:43:00.000-04:00

I think one reason why I don't blog so much is because I feel obligated to write entries that are filled with eloquence, insight, and just profoundness(?). Also, as I grow older, I feel more and more weird about people reading about my life, especially people that I know. I think I also feel like I'm betraying my sturdy black notebook that's been so faithful to me with its flexible binding, clean crisp pages, and just giving me enough lines for me to pour my heart out. Sometimes I even feel lazy to write in that because journaling takes up so much time.

So, I just had a thought running through my mind... I also feel that blogging allows me to over-romanticize my life or make my life seem too story-like, kinda like a movie. I would read other people's blogs and be so amazed at how interesting their lives are, even if they're talking about the most randomest and insignificant thing. I would look at my own life and wonder if there's anything I could extract to present for any eye to read. It's true that our lives don't exactly play out like how movies do, but I'm realizing that there is a story involved. Also, how do these movies and storylines get written up? From real life experiences. This may sound cheesy or overly romantic, but it's the truth: God is writing up my story! So anything that I choose to talk about should be a worthwhile read because God is involved in it. Just gotta have an open and honest heart. :)

I'm learning more of God's faithfulness while He's calling me to be patient. When He calls you to do something, He will certainly give you the tools to do that. Even through the chaos in my mind of wanting to rush things, cry in frustration, mope about how unfair my life is, there is still a blanket of peace that smothers over all of that. Peace that declares of His promises, how His hands are so tightly clamped over all the details of my life...peace that declares that I have a destiny to pursue.

I just want to have pure, unashamed, and confident joy in obeying and loving You.

random thought while at the library...

2009-01-13T16:48:00.001-05:00

I just felt a tinge of terror at the thought of thinking that my husband could be someone who I know is not right for me...and God knows he's not right for me...and being trapped in that thought...

Wow, Lord, thanks for that insight.

I feel alive.

I pray that I will obey.

Notes from Harvest Retreat 2008...

2008-12-26T22:03:00.001-05:00

"-change begins when we want change more than our present situation, there's a huge comfort level in staying how we are

-change begins when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change.

-do you REALLY want to get well?

...

-remind yourself of the freedom in Christ"

sigh.

frustration + confusion = in need of Light

2008-11-17T17:24:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm never really good at expressing my feelings in words even though I may be a savvy writer (haha) I think it's because I don't really know what I'm feeling half of the time...

I've been fumbling around with my words all day. I look back at the emails and facebook messages that I wrote and there's grammatical mistakes or I forgot to put in a word. I'll probably make one of those mistakes while writing this too. It's so weird because this rarely happens... There's probably too much clutter and worry that flying around in my mind and it's taking up the space that control grammar and talking right haha.

After seeing my test grade for my 4th Adult Health exam, I was very taken aback. Just like how I felt for the last 3 tests. I felt like I knew a sufficient amount of information prior to taking the exam. And once again I ask myself, "What's wrong with me?!" and shortly after that comes, "What's wrong with YOU, God??" I kept myself from doing this and I tried to hide how I really feel about the whole situation but what I really wanted to do was scream at God with my neck veins popping out and shoving my fists in the air, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!" Because I really have no idea. Like what I said before, I feel like half of the time I really am not positively sure if the decisions I make are because of what God tells me or if it's just me. I feel like half of the time it's just me talking and I'm misinterpreting God's voice.

There's also a small voice in my mind that really resonates with me and even though it's something that I don't wanna hear, I can't help but know that it is God's voice... That voice says "This struggle is soooo extremely small and insignificant compared to what I have planned out for you." It's so easy for me to stress about a test grade and make it the biggest problem that I've faced in my entire life...but I know that's not what God wants me to do. I'm sure He grieves over the fact that I do that. Shoot...

I've also kinda realized that I've been doing things in a systematic way. If I do x amount of studying, I'm guaranteed to get a B or higher on my exam. If I serve God in this way and sacrifice my studying time, I'm guaranteed to get a B or higher on my exam because He's gonna honor me for my serving. Wow. God is telling me that that's not the way to do things either. So pretty much I really want to know what exactly I need to do so that I can pass this class. But...maybe I don't need to know that? I just need to trust in Him...whatever that means...and however that is done. I don't enjoy the uncertainty of things because I'm so fearful of the worst that could happen... I need God to change my heart and for only Him to guide me.

I'm so scared and worried of other people's opinions. I don't want to be the oddball. I want to assimilate and be on the same page as everyone else and not have to worry and be in good standing. God, change my heart...

God is calling me to be like one of those women in Exodus who seeked God with all of their hearts outside of the Tent of Meeting... and Moses took their mirrors to build the basin... God let me reflect you. I need a lot of help...

Billy Graham's Prayer For Our Nation

2008-11-04T13:30:00.001-05:00

Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us , Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, 'The Rest of the Story,' and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired. With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called 'One nation under God.' If possible, please pass this prayer on to your friends. 'If you don't stand for something, you will fall for everything.

chew and digest on this:

2008-10-30T23:47:00.001-04:00

Life is never what you expect it to be. Everything is in His hands, which are the best Hands they could be in.

I need to pray for peace in my heart. Life is so uncertain and seeing how my life has been for the past year, it's so obvious that God has His own agenda for my life. One that I would have never wanted to plan out on my own. Even though most of the time I'm complaining and wondering why in the world certain circumstances happen to me...I still need to trust in Him. It's such a challenge but it's one where God steps in to mold and shape me to be who He wants me to be.

So Isaiah has been such a crucial book for my life!

---

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

--Isaiah 55:8-12

Isaiah 35

Joy of the Redeemed

1 The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.

3 Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;

4 say to those with fearful hearts,
"Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you."

5 Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

6 Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.

7 The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

8 And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it. ^[a]

9 No lion will be there,
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,

10 and the ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Standing on the promises of God... I need His daily bread and living water...everyday.

skin cancer

2008-10-23T10:09:00.000-04:00

Had a crazy dream last night or maybe it was this morning...

I had these crazy large nodules on my chest. They were like yellow globs and they were clumping on top of each other like cancer cells gone crazy. And I was like ew these are really gross pimples. But then I was like NO it must be skin cancer!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I was extensively studying about breast and prostate cancer for about 4 hours... It's getting to my dreams....

OK here goes my first post. Hello everyone! :D

...I think I felt so compelled to start a blog just to share that dream.

I'm at ECL and trying to stall so that I don't have to start my studying right away but I feel bad because the guy sitting next to me is studying so fervently sighhhhh Lord, when I'm weak, you're STRONG!

I'll talk about more significant and thought provoking things later.