Notes from Harvest Retreat 2008...

"-change begins when we want change more than our present situation, there's a huge comfort level in staying how we are

-change begins when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change.

-do you REALLY want to get well?

...

-remind yourself of the freedom in Christ"



sigh.

frustration + confusion = in need of Light

I feel like I'm never really good at expressing my feelings in words even though I may be a savvy writer (haha) I think it's because I don't really know what I'm feeling half of the time...

I've been fumbling around with my words all day. I look back at the emails and facebook messages that I wrote and there's grammatical mistakes or I forgot to put in a word. I'll probably make one of those mistakes while writing this too. It's so weird because this rarely happens... There's probably too much clutter and worry that flying around in my mind and it's taking up the space that control grammar and talking right haha.

After seeing my test grade for my 4th Adult Health exam, I was very taken aback. Just like how I felt for the last 3 tests. I felt like I knew a sufficient amount of information prior to taking the exam. And once again I ask myself, "What's wrong with me?!" and shortly after that comes, "What's wrong with YOU, God??" I kept myself from doing this and I tried to hide how I really feel about the whole situation but what I really wanted to do was scream at God with my neck veins popping out and shoving my fists in the air, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!" Because I really have no idea. Like what I said before, I feel like half of the time I really am not positively sure if the decisions I make are because of what God tells me or if it's just me. I feel like half of the time it's just me talking and I'm misinterpreting God's voice.

There's also a small voice in my mind that really resonates with me and even though it's something that I don't wanna hear, I can't help but know that it is God's voice... That voice says "This struggle is soooo extremely small and insignificant compared to what I have planned out for you." It's so easy for me to stress about a test grade and make it the biggest problem that I've faced in my entire life...but I know that's not what God wants me to do. I'm sure He grieves over the fact that I do that. Shoot...

I've also kinda realized that I've been doing things in a systematic way. If I do x amount of studying, I'm guaranteed to get a B or higher on my exam. If I serve God in this way and sacrifice my studying time, I'm guaranteed to get a B or higher on my exam because He's gonna honor me for my serving. Wow. God is telling me that that's not the way to do things either. So pretty much I really want to know what exactly I need to do so that I can pass this class. But...maybe I don't need to know that? I just need to trust in Him...whatever that means...and however that is done. I don't enjoy the uncertainty of things because I'm so fearful of the worst that could happen... I need God to change my heart and for only Him to guide me.

I'm so scared and worried of other people's opinions. I don't want to be the oddball. I want to assimilate and be on the same page as everyone else and not have to worry and be in good standing. God, change my heart...

God is calling me to be like one of those women in Exodus who seeked God with all of their hearts outside of the Tent of Meeting... and Moses took their mirrors to build the basin... God let me reflect you. I need a lot of help...

Billy Graham's Prayer For Our Nation

Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us , Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, 'The Rest of the Story,' and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired. With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called 'One nation under God.' If possible, please pass this prayer on to your friends. 'If you don't stand for something, you will fall for everything.

chew and digest on this:

Life is never what you expect it to be. Everything is in His hands, which are the best Hands they could be in.

I need to pray for peace in my heart. Life is so uncertain and seeing how my life has been for the past year, it's so obvious that God has His own agenda for my life. One that I would have never wanted to plan out on my own. Even though most of the time I'm complaining and wondering why in the world certain circumstances happen to me...I still need to trust in Him. It's such a challenge but it's one where God steps in to mold and shape me to be who He wants me to be.

So Isaiah has been such a crucial book for my life!

---

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

--Isaiah 55:8-12

Isaiah 35

Joy of the Redeemed

1 The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.

3 Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;

4 say to those with fearful hearts,
"Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you."

5 Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

6 Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.

7 The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

8 And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it. ^[a]

9 No lion will be there,
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,

10 and the ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Standing on the promises of God... I need His daily bread and living water...everyday.

skin cancer

Had a crazy dream last night or maybe it was this morning...

I had these crazy large nodules on my chest. They were like yellow globs and they were clumping on top of each other like cancer cells gone crazy. And I was like ew these are really gross pimples. But then I was like NO it must be skin cancer!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I was extensively studying about breast and prostate cancer for about 4 hours... It's getting to my dreams....

OK here goes my first post. Hello everyone! :D


...I think I felt so compelled to start a blog just to share that dream.

I'm at ECL and trying to stall so that I don't have to start my studying right away but I feel bad because the guy sitting next to me is studying so fervently sighhhhh Lord, when I'm weak, you're STRONG!

I'll talk about more significant and thought provoking things later.