frustration + confusion = in need of Light

I feel like I'm never really good at expressing my feelings in words even though I may be a savvy writer (haha) I think it's because I don't really know what I'm feeling half of the time...

I've been fumbling around with my words all day. I look back at the emails and facebook messages that I wrote and there's grammatical mistakes or I forgot to put in a word. I'll probably make one of those mistakes while writing this too. It's so weird because this rarely happens... There's probably too much clutter and worry that flying around in my mind and it's taking up the space that control grammar and talking right haha.

After seeing my test grade for my 4th Adult Health exam, I was very taken aback. Just like how I felt for the last 3 tests. I felt like I knew a sufficient amount of information prior to taking the exam. And once again I ask myself, "What's wrong with me?!" and shortly after that comes, "What's wrong with YOU, God??" I kept myself from doing this and I tried to hide how I really feel about the whole situation but what I really wanted to do was scream at God with my neck veins popping out and shoving my fists in the air, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!" Because I really have no idea. Like what I said before, I feel like half of the time I really am not positively sure if the decisions I make are because of what God tells me or if it's just me. I feel like half of the time it's just me talking and I'm misinterpreting God's voice.

There's also a small voice in my mind that really resonates with me and even though it's something that I don't wanna hear, I can't help but know that it is God's voice... That voice says "This struggle is soooo extremely small and insignificant compared to what I have planned out for you." It's so easy for me to stress about a test grade and make it the biggest problem that I've faced in my entire life...but I know that's not what God wants me to do. I'm sure He grieves over the fact that I do that. Shoot...

I've also kinda realized that I've been doing things in a systematic way. If I do x amount of studying, I'm guaranteed to get a B or higher on my exam. If I serve God in this way and sacrifice my studying time, I'm guaranteed to get a B or higher on my exam because He's gonna honor me for my serving. Wow. God is telling me that that's not the way to do things either. So pretty much I really want to know what exactly I need to do so that I can pass this class. But...maybe I don't need to know that? I just need to trust in Him...whatever that means...and however that is done. I don't enjoy the uncertainty of things because I'm so fearful of the worst that could happen... I need God to change my heart and for only Him to guide me.

I'm so scared and worried of other people's opinions. I don't want to be the oddball. I want to assimilate and be on the same page as everyone else and not have to worry and be in good standing. God, change my heart...

God is calling me to be like one of those women in Exodus who seeked God with all of their hearts outside of the Tent of Meeting... and Moses took their mirrors to build the basin... God let me reflect you. I need a lot of help...